Well, it looks like Gavin “Hair Gel” Newsom has dusted off his Bible again. Not to seek spiritual guidance, of course — don’t be silly — but to use it as a prop in his latest episode of political theater. Yes, folks, the same governor who treats traditional Christian values like a bad smell in a Whole Foods is now quoting Scripture like he’s the second coming of Billy Graham.
This week’s sermon from the high priest of progressive politics was delivered during a press conference where Newsom — ever the crusader for federal handouts — went after the Trump administration over the Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program. That’s food stamps for the uninitiated. And what better way to back up your federal lawsuit than by flipping open the Good Book and cherry-picking a few verses for dramatic effect?
Newsom pulled out all the stops. He name-dropped Matthew, Isaiah, Luke, and even Proverbs — a real biblical buffet. According to him, feeding the hungry isn’t just a good deed, it’s the very definition of aligning with God’s will. “Period. Full stop,” he declared, no doubt proud of his theological mic drop.
Of course, this sudden piety comes from the same guy who’s spent his career making California a sanctuary state for every policy that spits in the face of traditional religious values. Religious liberty? Meh. The sanctity of life? Not convenient. Parental rights? Only if they support the party line. But when it comes to slapping the Bible on a press release to dunk on Trump — well, now we’re talking!
Newsom even took a swipe at people who attend prayer breakfasts, mocking them for not agreeing with his interpretation of Scripture. He joked that they must be reading a special “Donald Trump Bible” with all the verses about compassion edited out. Cute. Real cute. Coming from the guy who once signed a bill letting minors undergo gender transitions without parental consent — because nothing says “compassion” like putting parents on the sidelines while the state plays doctor.
Let’s be clear: the Bible does talk about feeding the poor. A lot. But it also talks about protecting life, honoring God’s design, and — brace yourself — not turning religion into a political circus. Newsom’s selective quoting isn’t about faith, it’s about optics. He’s not trying to save souls. He’s trying to win votes in Middle America, where quoting Jesus still polls better than quoting Karl Marx.
And speaking of mockery, Newsom’s “patriot shop” — his answer to Trump’s MAGA store — now sells a Bible. Or rather, it pretends to. The listing is always “sold out,” because, ha ha, get it? It’s a joke. The Bible’s a punchline. But also a weapon. Also a prop. Also a fundraising tool. Depending on the day. Depends who he’s trolling.
This isn’t Newsom’s first rodeo with religious posturing. He shut down churches while keeping pot shops open during COVID. He lit up billboards quoting Jesus to promote abortion. And he took to X (formerly Twitter) to say “pray for Trump” — not because he believes in prayer, mind you, but because he thinks Trump is crazy and wanted to squeeze in a smug insult wrapped in faux concern.
If this all feels a little too coordinated, it probably is. As his national profile grows, Newsom’s suddenly interested in speaking the language of faith — not to understand it, but to manipulate it. He’s got his eyes on a bigger stage, and he knows that to play in Peoria, you have to at least pretend to believe in something beyond yourself.
But here’s the thing: most Americans can spot a phony from a mile away. And no matter how many verses he quotes, Newsom’s track record speaks louder. For a guy who claims to love Scripture, he sure governs like he skipped most of it.
So next time Gavin starts sermonizing, maybe someone should hand him a full Bible — not just the parts that poll well. And maybe, just maybe, he should try reading it for more than soundbites. Because using God’s Word as a political cudgel might score you headlines, but it won’t save your soul — or your credibility.